In a twist more shocking than finding pineapple on a pizza, WWE’s latest World Heavyweight Champion is none other than the towering titan, GUNTHER.

Last night, Cleveland’s WWE SummerSlam 2024 audience witnessed GUNTHER and Damian Priest clash in a match that had more drama than a reality TV reunion. Personal jabs and scandalous segments led up to their bout, which saw GUNTHER’s pre-scabbed chest split open like an overripe watermelon, oozing blood throughout the match. The crowd was not sure if they were watching wrestling or a gory episode of “Grey’s Anatomy.”

The match’s turning point came when Finn Balor, Judgment Day’s own master of chaos, made his presence felt at ringside. Balor started as a cheerleader for Priest but quickly flipped the script. Just when Priest was about to secure a pinfall, Balor slyly placed GUNTHER’s foot on the ropes, forcing a break. It was a betrayal that would make even soap opera writers gasp. Priest’s reaction to the replay was like catching your best friend eating the last slice of pizza — pure disbelief and betrayal.

Seizing the moment, GUNTHER ensnared Priest in a series of sleeper holds and chokes. Priest, trying to channel his scrappy upbringing, fought valiantly but eventually succumbed, passing out and handing GUNTHER the victory. This win marks GUNTHER’s ascent from Intercontinental Champion to World Heavyweight Champion since his main roster debut in 2022. He’s now carrying more gold than a bank vault.

Damian Priest’s reign, which began with a flashy Money in the Bank cash-in at WrestleMania 40, ended at 118 days. Balor’s betrayal wasn’t the only knife in The Judgment Day’s back — earlier in the evening, Dominik Mysterio turned on Rhea Ripley in a plot twist that could only be described as Shakespearean. With members turning on each other left and right, The Judgment Day’s implosion was messier than a toddler’s finger-painting session.

By Joseph Gallery

I like ice cream, taking a back seat, wondering who I am, and pretending kayfabe is real. May or may not be the Real Dark Brandon. For the LOLZ. MALARKEY!

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