Folks, let me tell you, it was an absolutely incredible, tremendous opener on WWE Raw. Big, beautiful match. Huge. You had the Wyatt Sicks—what a name, by the way, you know they really “get it”—tearing it up with “American Made,” which is a very patriotic, very strong name. Love America, love Made in the USA—except, you know, when it comes to cheap Chinese imports! Not good. Anyway, let’s get to it.
So, who’s in this? We’ve got Nikki Cross, who’s as wild as they come. Dexter Lumis—you know, the creepy one, reminds me of some lawyers I know. Joe Gacy and Erick Rowan, who is huge, folks. Big guy, beard—terrific beard, by the way. They’re up against Chad Gable (great guy, real patriot), the Creed Brothers (they’re big, they’re strong, they’re like a combo of Washington crossing the Delaware and a protein shake commercial), and Ivy Nile, who is no joke, believe me.
Uncle Howdy’s at ringside. You know Uncle Howdy—spooky guy, funny hat, but also looks like someone who enjoys long walks on foggy beaches.
Nikki Cross starts the whole thing by jumping Ivy Nile like she’s playing a very intense game of tag. And boom! They’re outside the ring before you can say “grab a chair!” Cross finds a garbage can, folks, and decides that’s the perfect thing to put Nile in. Then she gets a kendo stick because, of course, she does—every good match needs one. It’s practically in the rule book! Cross goes to town on the can like she’s cleaning up after a very rowdy tailgate party, and Nile, bless her heart, is probably wondering what’s going on in her life choices right about now.
Rowan, being the strategic mastermind that he is, goes to fetch a table because apparently, the match didn’t have enough chaos. But Ivy Nile has other ideas, spraying him in the face with a fire extinguisher like she’s putting out a five-alarm blaze. Spoiler alert: Rowan didn’t enjoy that. Creed Brothers take their cue and throw Rowan through the table. And folks, that table did not have a good time.
American Made regains control (because they always do), and the brawling continues. There’s tables, there’s barricades, and of course, Chad Gable gets his moment. He hits Joe Gacy with an Angle Slam through a table, and folks, it’s glorious! But Gacy, being the resilient, creepy guy he is, kicks out of the pin. Gable decides it’s time to slap on an Ankle Lock, and here comes Ivy with the kendo stick for the assist! But before they can secure the win, Cross pulls Nile out of the ring, hits Gable with a German Suplex—yes, you read that right—and suddenly the tides are turning again.
Now, here’s the real drama—Gable and Uncle Howdy have a little staredown at ringside, and it’s like they’re having some deep, unspoken conversation, maybe about the best mustache styles or the correct number of fog machines. Then, Rowan—big guy, remember—smashes Gable into the ring steps like he’s taking out the trash. Howdy steps in, hits Gable with a Sister Abigail, which is basically his version of a “goodnight kiss,” but much, much worse for you physically.
Finally, Lumis—Dexter “I’m Always Staring into Your Soul” Lumis—hits a frog splash with a big assist from Rowan, and pins Gable for the win. The Wyatt Sicks stand victorious, and the crowd? Well, they’re either confused, terrified, or thrilled—probably all three.