In what can only be described as a wrestling miracle of biblical proportions, CM Punk finally scored his first WWE singles victory in over a decade, all thanks to his masterful strategy of hitting Drew McIntyre repeatedly until he remembered where the corners were. The historic event took place at Bash in Berlin, where Punk faced off against McIntyre in a Strap Match, a stipulation specifically designed to ensure that nobody leaves the ring without a severe case of rope burn and deep-seated trust issues.
This wasn’t just any match—it was the sequel to their SummerSlam saga, where McIntyre previously emerged victorious with a little help from referee Seth Rollins, who was clearly more focused on his wardrobe than counting pinfalls. But this time, Punk came prepared, bringing not just his A-game, but also a GPS to ensure he didn’t get lost on his way to the four corners.
The match was a spectacular display of athleticism, drama, and questionable life choices. Both men took turns showing off their favorite finishers like kids trading Pokémon cards, except these cards were tables, sharpshooters, and Claymore Kicks. McIntyre even tapped out repeatedly in a sharpshooter, but since this match required touching four corners rather than just three ropes, the contest continued.
In a thrilling climax, Punk managed to deliver not one, but two GTS finishers before channeling his inner Tony Hawk and tagging the final two corners like they were half-pipes. With this victory, Punk not only claimed the win but also the prize that really mattered—his long-lost bracelet that had somehow found its way into McIntyre’s possession, probably during a heated backstage game of rock-paper-scissors back in 2014.
This victory marks Punk’s first singles win in WWE since January 20, 2014, when he defeated Billy Gunn on an episode of “WWE Raw.” And just like that, the legend of CM Punk continues, proving once again that you can leave, but you’ll never really leave, especially when there are corners to touch and grudges to settle.